12 September 2012

Was hoping that things would go even well for us after we come back from genting. But it did not. I was really pinning my hopes high for the flea. You told me after genting you will talk to me about this. I was thinking I was able to persuade you. But then I guess I outsmarted myself and I ended up in another quarrel with you. CK asked me if I wanted to go to listen to a talk with him. I thought it was a good chance to bring along my boyfriend, to show that I am happy with him. But, in the end my boyfriend didn't wanted to and he says that I am forcing him to do things he doesn't like. Does this makes me a bad girlfriend cause I am forcing him? Am i forcing him?

Calling me, in this angry tone, what do you expect me to say? How do you expect me to tell? Why do I never explained myself? Because I can't. Because I am scared of you. Because I am scared to tell out what I am feeling inside and you don't understand me, in the end you scold me and penalize on what I am feeling is wrong and etc.

I am lost. In this relationship. I don't want to give up on you. I want back you, not the present one, but the past one.

9-11 September 2012

Genting trip with you.

I know you had been wanting this badly and I am glad that I had been able to fulfill your dream. These 3 days together was great. It made me realized that I couldn't live without you. Spending time together without leaving each other for even a minute was awesome. You took great care of me and I felt really protected. These were really the best moments of my life. Really wanted a long talk with you for the two nights but unfortunately, we were both too tired that we couldn't stay up for the night. Hugging me to sleep and sharing the same bed and blanket was something that I never encountered before in my whole life. I felt like the happiest woman on earth. But, inside me, I was still having doubts. Doubts on our relationship. Maybe because those bad stuffs like miscommunications and lack of understanding for each other make me felt unsecured. I was wishing that the night could go on forever and I could stay in your arms forever. It's fine that the night had passed but this memory would stay in my heart forever.

I was feeling upset on the second day when we were in the shop, shopping for souvenirs for my friends and family. I had went in the shop for less than 10 minutes and you were showing me the attitude that you were tired and you wanna go back to the hotel to sleep. I can't get it why I am able to sacrifice for u and you can't do it back for me. I know love is supposed to be at free willed. You can choose to give how much you want, but never hope to get something back in return. Well, I never expected to get things in return since the start of this relationship. Back in the hotel, I started to spam songs from my MP3 and started tearing. I back faced you and I didn't wanted to look at you. It's so painful. Since you were so tired, I called up your friends to change the time to meet so that you could sleep more. I don't want anything to disturb you. I was sad and disappointed, but still I couldn't bear to not concern you.

We played, we laughed, we joked and we smiled the whole of the 3 days. On the last day, I started to feel emotional. Maybe because good things were coming to an end soon? On the way back in the bus, I look at you sleeping soundly, thousand of images and thoughts came to my mind, bombing my brain. I love you a lot.

I do not know how to express my feelings to you. Maybe because you wouldn't understand even if I told you?

I know you too well i guess. I know that whenever I share with you my troubles, you wouldn't want to listen because you do not know what you could do to help me. It's not that you don't care but you just couldn't help me even if you know it. But whatever it is, I really hope that you can listen to me and console me.

If you really want to make it up for me, marry me, treat me well. I don't need anything more. I just need your love for me. Don't hurt me again. Don't leave me alone.